Questions I wish I had answered

My computer is charged and I told someone else to write tonight in order to process so I feel like it’s probably a good time to take my own freaking advice. 

I’m unsatisfied with my life for some reason I can’t pinpoint. Ever since my ex pointed it out, I can’t unsee it. I’m not unhappy (most of the time) and I do battle with depression and anxiety so that’s always a factor, but I’ve led a mostly fulfilled life up until this point. I wonder if it’s because I had all these time-oriented goals that just don’t exist in my life the same way? Like I’ve been building up to get where I am now and it’s somehow a let down? Am I actually disappointed or just ungrateful? Should I add in more mindfulness? Should I be setting new goals? Why do I feel like I have no sense of direction? Am I looking at things as they are or looking for ghosts where there are none?

My teacher is gone. She is too unwell to aid me on my journey and I’m flying solo, which is mostly fine except that I feel like I’m still such an apprentice. I wish I still had her around to call. I should probably try reaching out.

If I could write a letter to my younger self I’d probably say:

There’s really no rush. You’re going to feel like you’re behind for your entire life, and in many ways you always will be. That’s what trauma does: it sets you back. But once you’ve started the hardwork of healing and growing, you’re just as on track as anyone else. Take your time and spend less energy worrying about time. Even if time has been a constant in your life, worry about it less.

I think now about all the time I wasted worrying and all the pressure I put on myself to end up where I am now and I’m like what the hell was I thinking? This can’t be the open pasture dream I wanted. Or, maybe it’s exactly what I wanted: to be completely independent, in unchartered waters, over a thousand miles away from my family. 

I still can’t reconcile if I made this choice to grow up or to run away or both. I know after this year, the end of my lease, that it feels infinitely more likely that I will run back home. But for what? I better be doing it with a clear head and an open mind rather than a sad heart. Because if there’s anything I’ve figured out from living here on my own for the last three years it’s that you carry all your burdens with you no matter where you go. Vacations don’t clear the mind, they just give you space to feel everything you need to feel. 

I am certainly stronger now than I was but I’m also weaker without my people in my corner. I’m more focused on my own life here and the things I want to pursue (theoretically) so I did accomplish that goal. I am no longer enmeshed in the workings of my family. 

Is that truly what I want? To be a separate entity? To grow up and apart? To make years of memories without the people I love the most? With so much time behind me, it’s easy to forget how much pain and junk come along with living close to home. Even through all the love, there’s just so much mud to wade through. I don’t know that I would be any happier at home than I am now and I’m terrified to make a decision that I’ll regret. I definitely don’t regret moving here, I think I’m just starting to really question staying here. My career options open up as soon as I get through this first post-grad hurtle. So I know I’m in a good spot, with an awesome network of folks, and a firm foundation to be successful. That’s what the draw always was. So then why am I still feeling underwater? Why do I feel such a pit in my stomach? Is this what loneliness is, when it’s been left to fester? I am a creative, so I must always know loneliness. That’s what the creative habit has taught me. But do I need to always be aware it? 

I’m taking a year to be sober. Or, “dry” rather. I am not an alcoholic (yet) so I don’t feel the need to label myself or take over an identity I don’t have to claim but I am not a healthy person when I use alcohol to bury my feelings. Maybe one day I can try again, but for the next year, as I enter a new decade (my thirties), it’s time to reassess. 

What is my five year plan? What are my goals? I am in limbo because I can’t make any decisions yet until I get through this year and see what my contract looks like in the spring. I am waiting on my dad’s test results. I’m waiting on completing my license in October. I’m waiting for my dog to get certified. I’m waiting for things to feel like home.

I really like my life and the little home I’ve made for myself. I always feel safe and warm when I’m home. Still, it feels temporary, this little home.

My next step is to buy property for sure. But where? I had the option not long ago and I chose a different path, one that left me open to think a little longer. In retrospect, it was probably a damn good idea since the housing market is ACTUALLY bananas. Still. Where do I go next? Which home will I claim?

Continued

I can’t identify my feelings today or last week or even the week before.

I feel pretty good right now. I just went to the gym and said my farewells to alcohol for the coming year and I’m not scared about it really. I am realizing that I really am like a cat and I need routines. I only have capacity for so much variety in a day. I go to work and it is quite literally a constant unknown. I field that stress for myself and others and regulate pretty damn hard.

When I come home, I need a ritual that helps me turn my brain off. Lately it’s been going out and sometimes it’s a bottle of wine and a movie. I don’t think those things are bad I just don’t want those to be my go-to coping skills. Something happened to me this year where I lost track of myself. I got caught up in the lives of those around me and I’m feeling pretty unsettled. What I need is a sense of calm most of the time, and predictable stress on the weekends (like the gym, a hike, or even a date night out).

Lately, I’m just swirling in chaos and it is so draining. Coming from someone who used to live in a predictably chaotic home, and spent most of her life unaware of how much her hair was on fire, I’ve become accustomed to the life I’ve been building. One that is restful and recharging. I’ve discovered that people can recharge or drain me. I’ve discovered that I enjoy resting and also running. I’ve discovered that art is a practice I employ when I need to learn about myself and that I find countless excuses why I don’t need to seek that discomfort. I’m starting to see that I employ other methods now in different ways and I am intentionally building various expressive practices into my routines. Visual art is just one of my tools, it does not define me. Although, I certainly am a creative soul.

My ideal mate is capable of self-regulating, self-managing, and growth. They may cycle through phases of comfort and growth but ultimately they know they want to be better everyday. It takes energy to grow all the time. Even trees get breaks with the seasons. My ideal mate may not be structured, but understands the value of it. They may not be organized but they appreciate it. They have goals and dreams and they make shit happen (even if it’s attached to an “eventually”). My ideal mate is thoughtful, communicative, and adaptable. They are not paralyzed by fear or question their self-worth. They know the value add they bring to the world and interpersonal situations.

As I write this, I see that I’ve decided my perfect mate looks a lot like me, and dating myself would be incredibly boring, even if it’s comforting to meet likeminded people. I think my takeaway is that I’m hoping that there’s someone out there who lives life seeking balance, takes care of themselves, and has a sense of play.

Everything is way too heavy without a little childlike fun.

Can’t catch a break (burnout)

I’m feeling so much stress lately (and today in particular) that it makes my skin feel weird. Thinking about the chaos and lack of security in my current world is not what I want longterm.

I can feel my chest beating louder, tingling in my arms, and my voice doesn’t sound like me. I can’t even feel my stomach. What’s that about?

The guy I’m dating now has a daughter and I knew I’d be third priority at best but we really haven’t been dating that long and he has literally no systems in place. Everything is new and I totally get that and I have compassion for him really I do. I could not live his life. Frankly, I wouldn’t want to. But when you decide to date someone, you are effectively “trying on” a shared life and I’m not sure I can do it. I don’t think it’s his fault or that my life is particularly less chaotic by any means but I feel like I’ve been in an adrenaline state for the last six weeks and I’m uncomfortable. I need things to change.

There’s so much outside noise I can’t even piece together what is what. I don’t even know him very well and I’m not sure how we get to know each other better with all this mud dirtying up the picture. Are we trying to fit a round peg in a square hole? Is this the universe’s way of saying: you are not meant to be and it’s time you part ways. Because it’s starting to feel that way, that there’s just too much shit. I don’t know what to think. I’m honestly just confused, sad, frustrated, and lonely again.

I suspect things would be better in time, but how much better? What should I plan for? Anything? At this rate, I don’t know.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

    I’m choosing to write today, first, instead of calling my go-to problem solver person and talking through it. Not sure what I’ll come up with. I started relistening to the love addiction book to chart my progress and see if there’s anything I need to be aware of, seeing as the projected recovery time is 3-5 years (in the book). I’m theoretically only about a year through the process, but it’s possible I’ve been working on these things longer and it’s only been a year since I had the language to discuss it with myself. 

    What is healthy love? The book talks about internal boundaries, positive self-regard for your partner, and being able to communicate your needs in healthy ways. What is a healthy need? The need for connection, intimacy, safety, and positive self-progress towards goals? Is a balanced life always reasonable? At what point do I typically engage in addiction or avoidance?

    I’ve been on medication the last two weeks which forced me to spend time sober and clear. My surgery sort of derailed the intense workout and eating regiment I had in place beforehand. I don’t know if my previous habits were that self-care oriented in retrospect. Now though, I find myself slipping back into past patterns of not regularly going to the gym and ordering takeout. What’s that about? Is that normal?

    I’ve been thinking a lot about vision boarding and goal setting, imagining my ideal future and ideal future partner. I don’t know why I haven’t prioritized that yet. Perhaps because work just started last week, I’ve been out of sync with myself, and I’m doing a damn good job functioning as it is. So here we go. 

The ideal future for me: 

• a loving and stable romantic relationship 
• a family (in whatever form that takes)
• a career that entertains and satisfies me emotionally, mentally, and financially
• regular and predictable exercise/health regiment
• financial stability 
• continuous learning opportunities
• a trustworthy social circle and activities
• a connection to nature
• positive family relationships with immediate and extended members

    The thing is, I feel like these don’t need to be constants. I would love it if they were, but sometimes sacrifices in one area have to happen to accomplish certain tasks, or fulfill other categories. In pursuit of career, focus on self-care or relationships may decrease. In pursuit of family, career and a connection to nature may get put on the back burner. So then, what am I concerned about? I have friends and colleagues I mingle with regularly, a gym routine (which until recently was pretty consistent), a career I enjoy and hope to improve upon, a home I am comfortable in, and a little fur family to keep me sane. 

    Am I fixating on control? Maintaining control? Am I not content with the life I lead? 

    There are people who enter your life and find ways to disrupt equilibrium in a way that is disconcerting. Is that what I’m afraid of? Meeting someone who has less control than I do? Maybe order is not intended to be kept at all times. Maybe a little disruption is an opportunity to reinforce good habits and recognize bad ones so that you can make new changes, become more resilient. Am I afraid of being weak? Failing? Is this my pursuit of perfection appearing in a different guise?

    I am always me, even as I evolve and become a different, wiser version of myself. Am I resisting change? Is that the goal? To seek comfort in my dysfunction(s)?

    With each year that passes, I feel different. Like I’m being more honest with myself, mimicking less, and pursuing things that literally change the way I think about and relate with the world. Sometimes I come back to old interests, other times I seek out new ones. 

    I am okay, I am okay, I am okay. Maybe the goal is to remember that being out of sync with myself and others is normal, as long as I recognize it and work towards repairing. Maybe building a future you want/desire takes time and never really feels “done”. Maybe the dichotomies of order and chaos are the dysfunctional way of looking at things, like steps, instead of waves. Even the ocean experiences turmoil. Everything in nature functions in cycles that ebb and flow. Trees grow green in the spring and dry out in the fall. Maybe dysfunction is hoping for rain in summer and heatwaves in the winter.

A Sunday in August

Today feels like a good day to catalogue. Tomorrow feels like a good day to paint. 

In the episodic nature of my dating life, I’ve had the rare fortune of meeting a man who is full of vitality and surprises. It’s fledgling and I’ve had to remind myself it’s only been a few weeks at least half a dozen times. He feels so familiar and warm. At least right now, I’ve rarely had to ask him for clarification on a reference or a joke; it’s like we speak the same language. 

I can’t tell if this is one of those “when you know, you know” scenarios or not. I am really working on being emotionally available and vulnerable. Each time I feel myself holding back or withdrawing, I force myself to say what I wanted to say or stick around. I’m also working on reframing my thoughts so that I think, “people will stick around until they don’t” versus “everyone leaves until they say otherwise”. It’s a subtle thing but it means I do my best to be bolder than is comfortable, or natural, for me. 

It’s a very strange feeling being treated like I deserve to be treated. I can’t honestly say that I remember a time where I was woo’ed. And I mean, like thoroughly woo’ed. This man has done actually everything to try to impress me, and the things I like are the little ones. It makes me feel so sad that I ever accepted anything less or that I tried to make things work with men who gave me very little respect. The sadder part is that it was not because I have/had low self esteem but because I had never seen anything else modeled for me. Nobody showed me that this is what dating is supposed to feel like. Words mean little when actions speak volumes.

I’m finally beginning to understand what my ex meant when he said he didn’t have it in him to be in a relationship, because he knew what a real one looked like, seeing as his parents have been together for decades. It’s uncomfortable taking up space and being taken care of. I’m on antibiotics this week which means I can’t drink alcohol, and subsequently I can’t see anything other than the truth as I understand it. I can trust my anxiety, terror, sadness. I can grieve a little more too for the lessons I would have liked to have allowed myself to learn sooner. I can cry and sit with the loss and it feels like an important healing process. What an auspicious time with my creative arts program beginning so soon. 

I don’t know if this man is “the one” or if he’s just “the first” but I feel particularly fortunate at this moment in time. My duty to myself now is to make sure I set firm boundaries when necessary, speak with real truth (the kind where I say what I feel), observe how I feel, and reassess often to be sure I’m not squandering a learning opportunity. The truth is, I want to be in love. I want to find my person. I want to start a family one day. I’m not sure that day is any time soon but still, it’s nice to be able to be honest with myself about it. 

I still haven’t decided if the love I’ve known in the past is real love. Knowing now that I’ve intentionally picked partners that were doomed to fail, can I call anything what it is? I feel like this is the starting place and I’ve finally arrived. Or, maybe not. Maybe this is just another leg on my journey to self-discovery. 

“Every act of creation is also an act of destruction or abandonment. Something has to be cast aside to make way for the new”.

I used to think

That humor was a tool to break the tension or lighten the load. Which I still believe to be true. However, I also know that humor can channel aggression, even hostility at times. It just presents itself in a way that feels familiar but is deceivingly unsafe. How interesting.

Woe is me; the holidays are hard

Today, I grieve for my childhood. I cry for lost attachment. I cry for lost memories. I cry and feel for the moments that should have included institutional knowledge. The ones where I knew how to give secret Santa gifts or learned about emergency appreciation thank-yous. I grieve for a childhood that wasn’t typical and think about the children in my life who deserve typical memories. I grieve for those who lost parents to cancer, incarceration, deportation, divorce, etc. I grieve for the lives affected by life. And I love them because I am a part of them, and I remember the loss and love them despite it. I send my love this year to those who feel the pain; who feel it like a stranger or a friend. 

Dazed and confused

I haven’t felt compelled to write recently. More like I haven’t pushed myself to catalog my thoughts, I suppose. I’ve been doing a lot of talking and not as much conscious, written processing. I’ve used art as a processing medium a lot more recently, but it’s not entirely the same as having a point of written reference down the line.

I’m in a weird spot. I am really trying to approach dating differently than I have in the past. I’m not trying to “fix” my partner. I’m really trying to get to know myself, my feelings, and see the person in front of me rather than creating some superior narrative in my mind. Recently, I have been feeling overwhelmed and sad periodically by comments my current partner has made. I know he’s depressed by his circumstances and I do my best to let them roll off my shoulders but even as I learn to accept him for who he is, I need to parse through what my feelings about the situation are so that I can address my own wants and needs too. It’s tough not reacting. 

I don’t feel confident or secure in my current relationship. I can’t tell if that’s because I’m lacking self-confidence (which may be partially true), I’m still in a place of instability in my new job (which is thankfully beginning to settle into normalcy), or he’s not the right fit for me. From the beginning, I feel like we’ve both been exceptionally cautious and thoughtful about each other’s needs, which, is something I’ve really liked. There is a level of intention here that I’m learning about in a new way. We’re slowly building trust and a pretty darn good friendship. Levels of intimacy are being explored to some degree. His presence in my life is comfortable and appreciated. We go on mini-adventures, explore the city, talk every day, and I really do hope that things work out between us. 

So for many moments, when we’re together, I forget to worry or focus on the future. I live more in the moment and remain observant. It’s during these times, when he’s been kind and loving towards me, that I feel confident and secure. I know that I am the only one who can give myself unconditional positive regard and that people don’t act pleasantly towards one another all the time, but my goodness, it’s sort of stressful trying to understand the rules of healthy, intimate relationships. Can a healthy relationship still cause stress? What is healthy? We give each other space, we spend plenty of time together, and we do support one another emotionally and physically. Why do I feel the need to question everything? We’ve only been dating for five months. That’s not a long time to know someone. It’s not exactly a short time, either.

Maybe that’s because every once in a while, he says something that gives me pause. Today he complimented me and demonstrated that he was protective of me and yet, he also addressed me as his “friend”. He wrote a song lamenting the loss of his job and his ex back in February (is that grief processing? Or unresolved feelings?) and sent it to me. I was hurt by it in some ways, and I’m not sure why.

I have been single so long that I don’t have anyone I lament. I’m coming to realize slowly that anyone I’ve lamented in the past, may not be true loss, since they weren’t real relationships to begin with. They were false starts, intended to bring myself temporary relief from my own discomfort but unsustainable in the long run. Is that what’s happening here too, or is it different? I don’t want to unload on him or emotionally dump all of these feelings, but I do feel the need to clarify what we are to each other; if he’s thinking seriously about me as a partner, or not in a space to do that.

I think he’s my partner and that we’re moving forward together most of the time, and then other times, like tonight, I feel fear that I’m creating another future fantasy in my head. I don’t want to be a second choice partner or someone that’s convenient. I want to be loved, and I feel that love a lot of the time. I see that he communicates in different ways than I do, but I try my best to honor when he does it. 

Am I doing it all over again? Making the same mistakes? Or is this something new and real? I can’t trust myself to know the truth after so many years of living in my head. I just wish something felt tangible and solid. So much uncertainty gives me a headache. Is this pain or discomfort? Is this anxiety or real concern? What gut can I listen to when I’ve been wrong so many times? Maybe listening to my gut is really the problem and I should continue to listen to my head? Or is that the opposite? Someone, show me the way. 

12/30/19

I’ve given you all of me

Every last drop of my soul

I pushed it all out of my body and laid it there

The mountains were covered in snow

And I remembered your birthday

You’ll never forget mine

My cheeks are stained with tears

And mimic the wounds of my shredded heart

Time doesn’t know how to wash them away

I’ve waited so long

I didn’t share it all

But I gave you everything

I’m home now

And I’ll return home again

Spring will be better, I can feel it

Home for the holidays

For some reason I don’t want to go to sleep. I’m two hours ahead and jetlagged, so I should by all reasonable standards, want to be asleep. But it’s almost 2am and I’ve already watched so much tv, my eyes can’t focus and now I’m writing instead. I ate half a bag of Cheetos fifteen minutes ago and had to brush my teeth again.

There are subtle differences. The water dispenser is facing a different direction. When I felt my way in the dark to pour a glass of water before heading back to bed, I felt air where once was my routine. The yard is covered in sand, not woodchips and dirt. The dining table is covered in a green tablecloth, not a yellow one. The bathroom is stark where once it was a constant fight for space.

There are bigger differences. There are three table settings with chairs outside. There are hunks of tree stumps strewn along the pathway. Mountains of stuff cover every surface. I sleep on an air mattress in my sister’s old room since she moved into mine. My dad bought a giant TV it takes up an entire wall almost. He handed me his new remote and told me which buttons to push to make it work.

A lot of things are the same too. We still have more silverware than we’d ever need. Food is left out in serving dishes on the counter overnight. The sink goes from overflowing to spotless in a few hours’ time. The pantry is stuffed with wholesale toilet paper and paper towels. My family is a wholesale family.

I still miss the same man.

I am not upset, I am not responsible, I am removing my emotions from all things critical. But OH MY GOD THERE IS SO MUCH STUFF HERE. I can’t even unpack my suitcase properly because an unopened treadmill sits in the closet. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s old chair is my towel hook.

What a bizarre time the holidays are.