I think in some ways I’ve come to understand the distress of a mother who loses one of her children. By that I mean also, a mother who has other children to care for.
I took a psychology class last semester and during our first lecture, my professor went on to do a short “meet and greet” in which she discussed her background and her family. It was at this point that she disclosed that she had lost her first child when he was 9 months old and she said he would be 5 now. She showed us photos of her twins who are about 3. She told us that every class she teaches, comes from a place of love. She lives her life in the shadow of her late son’s memory. I remember how that brought tears to my eyes.
Lou was not my favorite out of our pack but she definitely became my favorite. She was always the one who wanted her space and really didn’t give/receive affection the way that I was used to. Because she was sick, she’d gotten so cuddly and loving in the last few months of her life. It was a gift I wasn’t aware of until after she’d gone. I’d totally forgotten she preferred her space. For some reason, I kept remembering it as if I’d intentionally left her out. I felt guilt and horror that I’d done that to my little baby.
Before her death, I can say with total honesty that a part of my heart was fused with my dog Mookee. Her needs, her wishes, her happiness felt like it was literally a part of my own. I would look at her sleeping and I could feel warmth radiating all over my body. Whenever she got sick, I ended up feeling a little under the weather too. I’m sure it was all stress related but we had a hugely unhealthy dependency on one another. Lou’s cancer got to the point where I could no longer be that unhealthy dog mom. I became so closely linked to Lou and I rarely left her side. We had a 24/7 care schedule worked out towards the end after her first stroke. I simply did not leave the house.
And then Lou died.
I can’t explain the mixture of grief and relief I felt. Mostly, I felt guilt and agony but there were moments where I would forget to grieve and then chastise myself because I wasn’t honoring her memory long enough. ‘How dare you enjoy this movie Ashlee. You aren’t thinking about her’ or I would get excited about finally being able to go to the grocery store and become inundated with the memory of her and wish that I was not actually there but back beside her, comforting her. I became angry with my beloved Mookee that she was so needy and wanted my love and affection. I was angry at Moo for not being Lou.
As much as I tried at first, I could not muster the same love and devotion I once felt for Mookee. It was like a balloon popped in my heart and I could not fill it up again. Even today, I still feel like I’m somehow putting on a show, acting out the parts I used to play.
It’s a little bit better now. Some time has passed. But that attachment is still lacking. I don’t know if it’s temporary or what but I do know, Lou’s passing ripped a hole in my heart. I still chastise myself for not thinking about her more. Sometimes days will go by before I remember her little face. Other days, I hear words coming out of my mouth and I’m transported back to the same times I said those things to her. It’s both constant and infrequent. I have no regrets, I did everything I could but I still miss the feeling of her ears under my palms, the sound of her nose grunts, and the look of total trust and adoration in her eyes. Mookee is never satisfied, she always wants something. I hope in time I can wrestle out this conflict. I really miss who I was before.
The craziest part is that it hasn’t even been a month since she passed. Just shy. It feels like a lifetime ago already and some part of my thinks it’s because the dog I knew died last year when her disease started catching up to her. I’ve been grieving for so long and I didn’t even realize it.
That’s the hardest part about sickness. Watching the sick. I understand now why people want their loved ones to leave them to die in peace when they get sick. All the good memories are gone. I only remember her sick. I can’t picture her walking normally anymore. I can’t remember her playing. Thank god for videos and pictures because without them, I fear I’d only ever see her deathbed in my head.