It’s been pretty amazing having my mom home. There are things we’re working through and it’s been damn sweet doing it in person instead of over the phone. Tonight we had our first major disturbance on that journey.
Sometimes I don’t understand what my triggers are when it comes to her. I’ve learned about pretty big one just now. I always knew it was there, hiding below. I tried to ignore it. Stupid.
Men. My mom and men. That’s my trigger. That’s my biggest, deepest, darkest fear.
Tonight was strike three.
Keep in mind, she’s been “dating” the same guy (he’s a good guy, she hasn’t picked a bad one I think – at least so far I think so) for the last several months. He’s got a job, he’s previously incarcerated (20 years out), he works in a community center. He’s focused on community development. I like his style. We haven’t met but so far, I approve to some extent.
On second thought, it might only be strike two but it feels like this is where I draw the line in the sand. When they first started dating, I guess they had sex pretty early on. A few weeks in?
I found out because we were going shopping at the mall for something pretty specific to me (graduation dress? Birthday something?) and she was totally brain fogged by this guy. She couldn’t think straight. She just rambled on and on about how he wasn’t texting her back or calling her and ultimately, it became an entire event about her and her relationship.
The part that triggered me more so than the man-blues was when she ineloquently blurted out “No! We fucked!”. And that’s how I found out he’d hit it and quit it. Turns out he “panicked” and they both decided to take things slow so he’s still in the picture. But for a while there, he was radio silent. I dealt with the aftermath.
That statement was gross and weird and still makes me uncomfortable. It crossed a boundary in my frankensteined heart that I wasn’t aware was there. I don’t care if she dates as long as she’s not an idiot. Tonight she went on a walk with him in the neighborhood, didn’t tell anyone, had her phone on silent, and would not have made it home by curfew had I not driven to pick her up and bring her to her front door.
Her roommate, my cousin, called me at 9:47pm to tell me her glasses were on the floor, her purse and wallet still in the house, the tv was still on, and it looked like she’d abandoned ship in the middle of the night and nobody could get ahold of her. I tried to stuff away the panic that I was going to be losing her again. My first thoughts were of her being kidnapped, my cousin’s first thoughts were of her getting picked up by the police. Either outcome was fucked and I wasn’t going to sit at home at 9:51pm and not try to find her and bring her to safety by 10pm when I live less than 5 minutes away.
Keep in mind, this is the same woman who went to jail for thirteen years because of a man. Drugs too, let’s not forget. But ultimately, her entire life and self esteem and bullshit has been about conforming to a man’s wishes and desires that she fucks up her entire life, ditches her kids, and gets carted off to prison for over a decade. What the actual fucking fuck. She called me to complain about feeling like a child and I want to kick her fucking teeth in for being so goddamned stupid.
All the trust and the love and the healing we just went through over the course of the last (almost) year, feels like it has evaporated. I know that’s not true (at least I hope it’s not true) but I am SO ANGRY I WANT TO SCREAM OR PUNCH SOMETHING.
I don’t want to be mean to her I don’t want our relationship to crumble over something like this. I want to overcome, move forward, grow up. This shit is bananas. I am so fucked up by it.
I don’t want to be angry anymore but I’m so mad I just don’t know what to do with myself and I don’t want to text her a novel like my sister does because on principle, I’m not an asshole.
Has she so easily forgotten how much the fabric of my life, and that of everyone around her, has been inexplicably altered by her dating choices?