Private note to self

Sometimes I forget about writing and when the realization smacks me in the face, it stings. I have so many other creative outlets that I forget how important self reflection in verbal formats is for emotional processing and long term retention. Tonight is a full moon and I’m not sure why but I’m sad. It seems like this year and last year at this exact time period (to the day) makes me sad. I think it’s because three weeks have gone by since I saw him and my life is getting back to normal again so I’m scared. I’m scared he’s going to disappear again.

This time last year he did. I didn’t hear from him for so long and I understand why and that’s not really what scares me because I think even if he did disappear again, he’d come back around eventually. At least I hope so. So I think I can’t figure out why exactly I’m sad or scared because I do have faith. Nonetheless, it seems to sit close by my side today.

When I saw him in October, his face was so miserable. He was so miserable. It broke my heart. I’m most afraid he’ll be unhappy. When I saw him last, he wasn’t. He was light and smiling and a gift. 

I don’t really know how I’m supposed to get through the day today but I will. I’ll get through tomorrow too and even though my hormones seem to be taking precedence over my head at the moment, time is a wonderful thing. It soothes me like a warm embrace. I wish I understood his feelings more. Then, maybe I wouldn’t be so lost.

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Sometime in 2016

I know a fear of death is unwise

We all seem to meet our inevitable demise

But I can’t seem to rise

From the darkness inside

My mind is rattled

My speech is shattered

And I fixate on the fractures of time

I know we’ll be back again

But never the same men and women

And the fear that I feel

Makes me sink back and heel

I can’t imagine it ending

The time keeps moving

If only things would stop

Or slow

Or something like that at all

I don’t want to die

I don’t want to lose

What if this is the end

And all this time I’ve believed in something more

And it’s just not there

I don’t want to die

I don’t want anyone to die

But I know it will end

And I’m already missing everyone

And we’re all still breathing

And I know I’m panicking

But I

12/26/17 11:51pm

My lips are cracked

I’m starving

I’m so desperate for something

Movement of any kind

I’m sick of this immobility

I’ve been walking on eggshells since the day we met

I’ve had nothing but trouble

Some sugar has been mixed in there

To hide the taste

But an apple a day won’t keep the doctor away

I don’t want to try

I’m so parched

Give me anything

I’ll go

I’m tired of NOT fighting about things that matter

Conflicting values, fundamental differences

Inconsolable conviction

I know who I am

I know what I want

Why am I here?

RIP little kitty

I’m sitting next to her

She died beneath the Buddha

The sound of chimes and bells

Singing in the wind

I can’t smell her yet

But the flies won’t leave her alone

My poor little one

I knew her time was soon

I bought her a bed

They mailed it today

A little too late