Sometime in 2016

I know a fear of death is unwise

We all seem to meet our inevitable demise

But I can’t seem to rise

From the darkness inside

My mind is rattled

My speech is shattered

And I fixate on the fractures of time

I know we’ll be back again

But never the same men and women

And the fear that I feel

Makes me sink back and heel

I can’t imagine it ending

The time keeps moving

If only things would stop

Or slow

Or something like that at all

I don’t want to die

I don’t want to lose

What if this is the end

And all this time I’ve believed in something more

And it’s just not there

I don’t want to die

I don’t want anyone to die

But I know it will end

And I’m already missing everyone

And we’re all still breathing

And I know I’m panicking

But I

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12/26/17 11:51pm

My lips are cracked

I’m starving

I’m so desperate for something

Movement of any kind

I’m sick of this immobility

I’ve been walking on eggshells since the day we met

I’ve had nothing but trouble

Some sugar has been mixed in there

To hide the taste

But an apple a day won’t keep the doctor away

I don’t want to try

I’m so parched

Give me anything

I’ll go

I’m tired of NOT fighting about things that matter

Conflicting values, fundamental differences

Inconsolable conviction

I know who I am

I know what I want

Why am I here?

RIP little kitty

I’m sitting next to her

She died beneath the Buddha

The sound of chimes and bells

Singing in the wind

I can’t smell her yet

But the flies won’t leave her alone

My poor little one

I knew her time was soon

I bought her a bed

They mailed it today

A little too late

2:28am

Obligations
Affiliations
Incarceration
Connotation
Bureaucracy and blurred red lines
Sharpness of indecency
I hate this need to fight authority
My stupid desire to break the rules
Has more power over me than I do
This strange contradiction
Fuels my conviction
And I’m faced over and over
The whisper of memories fade
Replaced by rage
I’m not angry

My neck keeps shaking
My Russian teachers always made me cry

I hated bending and twirling
As long as they were there
I knew only good and bad
No compromise

I’m so very clearly there
Pick and choose the parts that make sense
My family says it’s easier to digest
I’m not craving
The Buddha says
But his golden body glows
I’ll swipe green across canvas
And spend hours on circles and spirals and waves
Tiny little pencil marks
One thing out of place
Daylight balance, warm tone, cool
Wipe clean the rules

In a field where the human condition
Is the one and only true theme,
Why did I stick myself in a place
Where identity is destroyed
And smiles quickly employed
And evil ovals stare at me
Across the plastic tables
“Not excused, sorry but that doesn’t count, you’ll still have to pay”
Okay.