1/28 12:59am

I left you a gift without a word
You received it quietly
Like a secret between us
I wonder if you’ll keep it

Or hide it somewhere
Maybe you’ll display it
Or trash it right away

I wish I had a better understanding
Of your feelings and desires
Those things turning in your head

Instead, it’s so quiet out here
And relentlessly ongoing in my world
I’m mixing emotions more than colors
And painting with fear

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1/29 11:48pm

You’re wearing a mask
Strictly reacting
Siphoning energy from events around you
It’s unsettling how fast it happens

Time has blurred and suspended together
The end point remains below the horizon line

I’m gripping desperately at the moments
Where time made sense
And the mask laid at your neck,
Your eyes exposed
A smile bared

Even music is hollowed

NYE 2.0

Update on that beautiful man who disappeared from my life abruptly earlier this year. He came back and when he did he had exceptionally valid reasons for disappearing and well, long story short, we’re still seeing each other.

I dropped him off at the airport earlier and I have a strong feeling of security after this recent visit that I didn’t have before. I am so grateful and happy and sweetly sad after his departure. I may be well trained in absence, but goodbyes on any level are still hard. As is the case with all things, it’ll take about two weeks for the both of us to completely return to normalcy. When I would go to visit my mom, it took us both about two weeks to recover and return to our previous states of mind. That’s essentially the same rulebook in this case.

I’m trying my best to stay focused on the future and the road ahead. I’ve started mentally planning my next moves towards advancing my online art store. I’m already contacting friends for yoga and rock climbing. I’ve just submitted 2/4 graduate school applications. I’m on my way towards my future and this time, after his visit I feel two things: a pressure in my chest and a lightness in my step. It’s the most confusing feeling. It’s infinitely better than it was before.

I guess I feel a little like I’m on one of those elevator floors at the airport: moving faster than I would if I were walking but still like my feet aren’t firmly on the ground and I’m floating through space. I’m being propelled through my life without complete engagement which is a really unique feeling to me since I’ve been driven by the conviction that life is not meaningful without intention and purpose. So instead of being drawn to apathy, it has somehow been forced upon me. I stay ever so slightly disengaged so that I don’t have to feel as intensely. It’s not really sad, mad, upset, excited, nothing. It’s a weird contentedness I’m not familiar with. Except when I’m with him.

When my mom was away, it felt like I was missing a part of my identity. This time, I feel like I’m missing a part of my personality. Which is bizarre and yet, makes sense to me at the same time.

We had a wonderful time and I was blessed with more experiences than I really thought would happen. I am happier now than I was when he wasn’t in my life so really, I am aware of how lucky I am. I just hope time starts to blur again and I feel like myself soon. I miss the crap out of him and I wish things were different than they are. I am powerless to change them and I accept that but I still wish it wasn’t so.

10/5/18

They say hearts grow fonder with distance

I know mine would not change

Tomorrow as it feels today

It would not grow stronger or deeper

It is already stretched too full

And when you’re gone,

It simply goes to sleep and wakes again with your touch

The feeling of your skin

Your sweet smile

I know no other hands than your fingers in my mind

I see no other eyes than yours in mine

I am stronger with each parting

Missing is weak

In comparison to this feeling now

Missing is not real

Because I keep you so close

7/31 9pm, the red moon and the man I met at mom’s

You think you see kinship in my eyes

You do not recognize me

You think you see your struggles mirrored in me

You do not see me

You think I am the solution to your pain

A shared existence

Someone who understands

Experiences that are similar to your own

But I see anger

I see rage

I see sadness and the pitfalls of lashing out

I see arrogance and pride

I do not see the softness of myself

The compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness

I see competition and pity

I see conflict

I do not embrace your worries

I see your performance

Even authentic intimacy escapes you

You wonder why you are lonely

Why you are angry and sad

And misunderstood

I see it all

You could hold a mirror to my youth

And see yourself

You may be older

But I am wiser and stronger

And self aware

Where you see similarities, I see immaturity

One day, we may stand side by side

For today, we are miles apart

Keep working

You see, I do not need to get to know you

I’ve been looking at your face my entire life

What I should’ve done first

It’s hard for me to be specific about this post. But let’s just say, I met someone when I was with my ex. I told him I was unavailable (and it killed me to do it considering he is clearly the better man) once things got more serious between me and my ex boyfriend and for the most part, he respected that. Since I’m recently single, circumstances are different. I am a lot of things but I am NOT a cheater. I think cheaters are fucking cowards who can’t get their shit straight, operating purely on fear and lack of character. 

I think the question I forgot to ask myself lately was “does he deserve me”? You know I’ve been putting so much stock into his merits/feelings and I think I neglected to appreciate my own for a second. Let me just be clear, I am awesome. A lot of people say they’re “rare breeds” but really, I mean it when I say I am a rare person. In addition to that, I have many desirable qualities and abilities and I know that I am like a fire that can’t be put out, I always burn hot. I mean that as a metaphor for success, not one for temper (although sometimes that also burns hot). I am kind, compassionate, creative, patient, loving, forgiving, etc. Seriously, the list of my positive qualities runs long. But there’s more to it than that because everything I do, I do with my entire being. I mean there are definitely exceptions like when it comes to my Children’s Art course I’m in right now where I’m just plain bored. In the area of relationships, I’m a badass partner. I have my faults sure but I am worth it.

I have dreams of a career, I have dreams of a life. I never want to feel like I will look back one day and think “should I have done more?”. I excel. A lot of my friends used to pick on me for staying in California… but seriously how could I leave my sister to do it all alone? I am loyal to a fault. When it comes to blood, I will never ever leave her behind. I say that with gritted teeth and a crap ton of conviction (pun intended).

What I feel right now is a lot of mixed emotions. I talked to my psychic about my feelings and what I’m meant to learn at this point and she said maybe it was about working through my fear. I agree with her. I needed to work past my fear of abandonment so that I could finally focus on my self worth. Who I am now, who I want to be, and how I need to act in order to make those things happen. When I met him, my world opened up. It was like this hallway I’ve never seen before suddenly lit up and there were endless doors I could pick from. Of course, my brain immediately tried to run down the hallway. I really need to stop doing that. My last relationship taught me a lot but mostly, it taught me caution. It was only during the break up that I saw how my ex actually saw me in the world, in relation to himself. After a year of undying patience and commitment, it was just shocking to hear the words out of his mouth. To see his perspective was just… I will never forget it. I mean, I always knew he was clueless but that? That was beyond offense.

But I also forgive myself for it and I know that I really did do everything I could to make it work. I showed him so many interpersonal skills. He took a crash course in dating and I don’t really know who else in the world would have had the patience required to teach him that stuff. I burned out after a year of it when most people would’ve left after the first week. I turned a fuckboy into a relationship person. Where he was once a 4 year old, he is now entering puberty. Lucky for him, he’s a man so he can take his sweet time growing up.

I think it’s not just because I’m a woman that I constantly revert to thinking “everything is my fault”. I think it’s still the stupid guilt and weird childhood stuff from my mom that brings me to that place. So when I took stock of my life recently, and the people in it that brought me to this headspace, it took me much longer than it should have to recognize I am worth more than the treatment I am currently receiving. I don’t know what to do about it either, because there’s really nothing I can do except wait or leave and I really don’t want to give up. 

I’ve played the waiting game for the last 13 years and one thing I have learned over the course of that time is that they always come back. I still get texts years later from people who want to start things up with me because they weren’t ready the first time around. It’s always sort of satisfying to see this happen time and time again.

The annoying part is, I didn’t start this. He was the one jumping in with both feet, unafraid of the dark water. I was direct and honest always. I was fun and flirty and I asked for nothing and he gave me endless time and effort. Finally, I turn around and I think I’m sort of ready to start something and he walks away. Maybe for reasons I will never discover but knowing my luck, I hope that isn’t the case.