Escapism on a Friday afternoon

Dear you know who

Apparently I’m mad at you. I didn’t realize it actually. Still, I feel pretty numb about it all. I guess mostly because I don’t feel I can blame you for everything. Some, yes. All, no. Which means that all my feelings have been largely stuffed into some sort of cubby in my body and the ease with which I compartmentalize my emotions for you startles me.

I’ve been told I’m mad, frustrated, sad. I don’t really know how to be mad at you anymore. I’m mad in general, yes. Mad that there’s more you could be doing to appease my loneliness sure. But mostly I’m mad that you’re silent and expect me to leave. After a year and a half, I’m still here.

I haven’t asked for anything but I need communication. Any. Communication. You could literally say NOTHING important, just “hey” and I would be flipping backhand springs down the street. That’s how starved for communication I am. I feel no connection from you even if I feel it deeply, for you.

This week has been harder than usual because I’m not able to unfocus from the delight of a promise of new beginnings last weekend. I got a taste of my future and it was DAMN sweet. Being back home is just plain depressing and there’s still so much time left before I can leave and start my new graduate program.

I just wish I was in school right now; anything to keep me occupied. Because I’m depressed, I’m not motivated to create. Maybe I should do it anyways. That’s why I’m writing right now I suppose. I’m not even sure that depressed is the right word. I can feel my hormones in flux currently so I don’t think that’s helping but for the most part I’m experiencing my most detested emotion: apathy. Like the lights in my soul are out.

I hate this feeling and I don’t know if it’s because of you, body chemicals, or being back in this fucked up town. It’s probably a nice, holistic blend of them all. I think I’m just going to go play video games. 

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1/28 12:59am

I left you a gift without a word
You received it quietly
Like a secret between us
I wonder if you’ll keep it

Or hide it somewhere
Maybe you’ll display it
Or trash it right away

I wish I had a better understanding
Of your feelings and desires
Those things turning in your head

Instead, it’s so quiet out here
And relentlessly ongoing in my world
I’m mixing emotions more than colors
And painting with fear

1/29 11:48pm

You’re wearing a mask
Strictly reacting
Siphoning energy from events around you
It’s unsettling how fast it happens

Time has blurred and suspended together
The end point remains below the horizon line

I’m gripping desperately at the moments
Where time made sense
And the mask laid at your neck,
Your eyes exposed
A smile bared

Even music is hollowed

NYE 2.0

Update on that beautiful man who disappeared from my life abruptly earlier this year. He came back and when he did he had exceptionally valid reasons for disappearing and well, long story short, we’re still seeing each other.

I dropped him off at the airport earlier and I have a strong feeling of security after this recent visit that I didn’t have before. I am so grateful and happy and sweetly sad after his departure. I may be well trained in absence, but goodbyes on any level are still hard. As is the case with all things, it’ll take about two weeks for the both of us to completely return to normalcy. When I would go to visit my mom, it took us both about two weeks to recover and return to our previous states of mind. That’s essentially the same rulebook in this case.

I’m trying my best to stay focused on the future and the road ahead. I’ve started mentally planning my next moves towards advancing my online art store. I’m already contacting friends for yoga and rock climbing. I’ve just submitted 2/4 graduate school applications. I’m on my way towards my future and this time, after his visit I feel two things: a pressure in my chest and a lightness in my step. It’s the most confusing feeling. It’s infinitely better than it was before.

I guess I feel a little like I’m on one of those elevator floors at the airport: moving faster than I would if I were walking but still like my feet aren’t firmly on the ground and I’m floating through space. I’m being propelled through my life without complete engagement which is a really unique feeling to me since I’ve been driven by the conviction that life is not meaningful without intention and purpose. So instead of being drawn to apathy, it has somehow been forced upon me. I stay ever so slightly disengaged so that I don’t have to feel as intensely. It’s not really sad, mad, upset, excited, nothing. It’s a weird contentedness I’m not familiar with. Except when I’m with him.

When my mom was away, it felt like I was missing a part of my identity. This time, I feel like I’m missing a part of my personality. Which is bizarre and yet, makes sense to me at the same time.

We had a wonderful time and I was blessed with more experiences than I really thought would happen. I am happier now than I was when he wasn’t in my life so really, I am aware of how lucky I am. I just hope time starts to blur again and I feel like myself soon. I miss the crap out of him and I wish things were different than they are. I am powerless to change them and I accept that but I still wish it wasn’t so.

10/5/18

They say hearts grow fonder with distance

I know mine would not change

Tomorrow as it feels today

It would not grow stronger or deeper

It is already stretched too full

And when you’re gone,

It simply goes to sleep and wakes again with your touch

The feeling of your skin

Your sweet smile

I know no other hands than your fingers in my mind

I see no other eyes than yours in mine

I am stronger with each parting

Missing is weak

In comparison to this feeling now

Missing is not real

Because I keep you so close

7/31 9pm, the red moon and the man I met at mom’s

You think you see kinship in my eyes

You do not recognize me

You think you see your struggles mirrored in me

You do not see me

You think I am the solution to your pain

A shared existence

Someone who understands

Experiences that are similar to your own

But I see anger

I see rage

I see sadness and the pitfalls of lashing out

I see arrogance and pride

I do not see the softness of myself

The compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness

I see competition and pity

I see conflict

I do not embrace your worries

I see your performance

Even authentic intimacy escapes you

You wonder why you are lonely

Why you are angry and sad

And misunderstood

I see it all

You could hold a mirror to my youth

And see yourself

You may be older

But I am wiser and stronger

And self aware

Where you see similarities, I see immaturity

One day, we may stand side by side

For today, we are miles apart

Keep working

You see, I do not need to get to know you

I’ve been looking at your face my entire life