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I have this strange conflict within me. A lack of self control. The annoying part is that that’s the carefree wild part as well as the lacking-in-discipline-I-eat-whatever-I-want part of me. It’s the “fuck it lets do it” and the “yup cake sounds good”. So while I try to cultivate this carefree (verging on reckless at times) part of myself that acts with wild abandon, I’m also simultaneously attempting the get it in control with regimented diet and exercise.

It’s unfortunate because I have this autoimmune disease that kind of puts me in a tough place. Like I actually have to develop these things I can’t just say fuck it. So in many ways, my mental muscles are incredibly scrawny but it’s also taken many years to get to a point where I can let those muscles relax. I don’t care what people think and I don’t think it’s strange to ask someone if I can sit at their table and converse.

So is that a bad thing or a good thing? Is there some sort of switch I’m supposed to learn how to turn on and off when the need arises?

There’s also this incredibly controlling and powerful part of myself that is crippled by attachment to my work. The part that disallows me from going out with friends in favor of homework and future prestige. There’s the part that craves order and discipline. The part that cringes at anything out of place. But there’s also the I don’t give a shit about anything part that completely takes over and let’s me gorge myself on two bags of Doritos and an entire meat lovers pizza. FYI I’m lactose intolerant.

They say Pisces are typically split personalities and I’m beginning to understand my two parts. I love them both for different reasons but I think it’s time they go through some couples therapy and learn how to get them to work together because this constant warfare is making me crazy.

[note: I meant to post this a long time ago, but it got saved as a draft and now it’s here and not in order but fuck it, I guess this works too]


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